An Advance Review of Shah Rukh Khan’s Pathaan

In all fairness, I only saw Pathaan’s trailer. But I absolutely hate it. I won’t be watching it. In this movie, there are no real Pathans, a la Alauddin Khalji. There is just lily-livered Shah Rukh Khan attempting to appear menacing and macho, and failing in the attempt miserably. 

Centerpiece of the trailer are the car chase scenes. Shah Rukh is desperate to imitate Mad Max. But he is not mad enough to drive like Max. He is downright woke; he is like a posh and snotty brat with febrile ego and a jumbo jet sized sense of entitlement. With his face, de-aged by botox and makeup, and his body, puffed up by fake six-pack abs, he appears very creepy. 

As far as the movie’s romantic angle goes, the cockroaches prancing on your kitchen floor might be more passionate and cool than bratish Shah Rukh serenading the undead, unfun, under-talented Deepika Padukone. John Abraham’s performance is unpleasant like a mosquito bite. He contributes as much as Shah Rukh in normalizing creepiness.  

The movie is a lazy attempt to make the Pathans seem hip. Wasn’t it the Pathans who devastated India during the Middle Ages: Shah Rukh wants us to forget the violence and plunder of the Khalji dynasty, the Lodi Dynasty, the Sur Empire, and the Durrani Empire. Nice try Shah Rukh, but it won’t work. Those who know history will be disappointed and furious. #boycottPathaan 

This is the worst movie trailer ever. It is crystal clear from the trailer that Pathaan is puerile, pathetic, and downright unentertaining—the kind of movie which gives you a massive headache and makes you ask: Will I watch a Bollywood movie again? If you are not a simpering-drooling-vapid fan of disgusting Bollywoodian gutter-swill, the answer will be: No. #ShahRukhKhan #Pathaan